The Music Elitist

There has been a severe lack of musicians doing stupid things for me to make fun of, so I decided to start my 2008 Top 10 lists beginning with….drum roll please…The 10 WORST Songs of 2008. I tried organizing these by level of the degree of hatred, but it was just too hard. These songs are all equally awful:

10 . “Love Song” by Sara Bareilles – If you managed to avoid hearing this song this year, I am VERY surprised. Especially those incessant Rhapsody commercials. Not that I would ever consider using Rhapsody anyways, but this TV ad basically ensured that I will never even consider using their services. She’s just the latest female piano-playing singer-songwriter who will no doubt fade away like Vanessa Carlton. At least we can all hope.

9. “Paralyzer” by Finger Eleven - To be honest I can’t remember EXACTLY what this song sounds like. I think I only heard it once on one of my few occasions where the radio was all I had available to listen to. I remember groaning and thinking, “this must be Finger Eleven or some other terrible band along those lines”. Sure enough, the dude-bro DJ confirmed my suspicions by identifying the artist as Finger Eleven. I had no idea this band was even still making music, let alone that enough people cared for them to play it on the radio.

8. “Sorry” by Buckcherry – Again, I can’t remember exactly how this song goes, but I’m sure I’ve heard it and I’m sure it sucked. This is the kind of band you hear being blasted from about 15 different over-sized pick-up trucks at a NASCAR tailgate party. Not that I would ever be caught dead near one of those things, I just assume.

7. “Shake It” by Metro Station - Ok, so the first time I had ever heard this song was when I saw the video for it on Fuse one day. I had heard the band’s name mentioned a lot and the band I was currently in was even compared to them in a review of our record. Boy was I furious at that reviewer after the video was over. But I was even more furious over the fact that there was clearly a full band playing in the video (two guitars, bass, synth, drums and vocals) yet all I heard the whole song was a sequenced drum beat, synth sounds and auto-tuned vocals. And to top it all off, the song itself was annoying as all hell.

6. “When I Grow Up” by Pussycat Dolls – This song is just plain irritating. In fact, I don’t think there is a single song that this female version of Menudo has put out that I HAVEN’T found irritating. Please go back to being a burlesque troupe and STOP singing….or pretending to sing….or whatever it is you call that.

5. “Gotta Be Somebody” by Nickelback – I don’t really need to tell you why this song sucks, the artist name should already make it abundantly clear. It boggles my mind that enough people listen to this crap to make their last album go 7x platinum in the U.S.. That’s right, at least 7 million people in this country have horrible taste in music.

4. “Womanizer” by Britney Spears – This song makes me want to take my own life. I’ll watch the video on mute though because she’s pretty much naked in some parts of it and they somehow managed to make her look hot again. The Britney phenomenon just fascinates me, because no matter how much of a white trash trainwreck she (and her family) make themselves look like, she still sells tons of records, plays huge sold out shows and wins awards. IT’S BRITNEY, BITCH!

3. “Burnin‘ Up” by Jonas Brothers – These guys sound like a shitty version of the All-American Rejects. As if this song wasn’t lame enough to begin with, the Jonas boys had their bodyguard, Robert “Big Rob” Feegans, make a guest appearance rapping on the track. Hey guys, next time you wanna try roping in some of the hip hop crowd, why don’t you have someone that said hip hop crowd actually wants to hear make a guest appearance. In fact, I’m hearing its going to mandated that if you release an album in 2009, Lil’ Wayne HAS to appear on at least one track. So there you go.

2. “7 Things” by Miley Cyrus – Miley Cyrus is Britney Spears Part Two: Electric Boogaloo. The girl is 16 and she’s dating guys in their 20s. I actually predict Miley will be even worse than Britney since she was forced into stardom at an even younger age.

1.  “I Kissed a Girl” by Katy Perry – I know I said at the beginning that these weren’t ranked in order of how much I hated them, but I lied. This one is definitely at #1 for a reason. First off, this girl is a straight up bitch. And I’m not just saying that to say it, she really is. I have a story from being on Warped Tour this summer to back this statement up, but in all honesty I don’t feel like typing it all. I shall save it for another time that I am pissed off about something related to Katy Perry. The other reason this song is #1 is because of this singer’s past. Well, not so much because of her past, but the fact that she probably hoped it would never come out because it would ruin her “bad girl” image. Katy Perry used to be a Christian rock singer. She released an album in 2001 under her real name, Katy Hudson. How does someone go from being a Christian singer to singing songs about kissing girls unless all they care about is what makes them the most money? Bottom line: Katy Perry is a money-grubbing whore.